Today in an exclusive interview, God took issue with Governor Rick Perry's contention that God himself urged him to run for President.
“Hell, no, I didn't tell him to run,” God said, leaning back on his heavenly throne after a hard day's work of keeping the cosmos more or less in order. “I heard his prayer, and I remember clearly telling him, 'No! Don't run. Are you crazy or something? What, you think the US needs another cowboy Texas President shooting from the hip, invading countries for no reason, and ruining the economy?' But did he listen to me, no.”
“Maybe you should think about sending him a sign,” I calmly suggested to the Alpha and Omega.
“A sign. The guy urged his state to pray for rain. Have I sent any rain? I ignored those prayers for a reason. 'Texas, worse summer in recorded history' at the same time Governor Perry is running for the Republican nomination. Duh! But does anybody pay attention? Does he pay attention?
And fires, they're all over his state. What do I need to do? Send locusts. How Old Testament do you want me to go? These people say they believe in me, but do they read their Bibles. I don't think so.”
“So what do you think about all these politicians who make frequent references to your will and say that they listen to you?” I asked, getting a little nervous about all the cherubim and angels hovering above the heavenly throne.
God threw up his hands. “What can you do? Don't get me wrong. I love humanity. I made them what they are today, but sometimes some of them really piss me off. They say they listen to me. No, they don't. They listen to themselves and say it's me.”
Then I saw the archangel Michael fluttering next to God's right ear. God gave a quick nod, and said unto me, “I got a 5:30. Can we wrap this up?”
“Yeah, sure, but I got one more question. I have always wondered about disasters: hurricanes, floods, tsunamis, 9/11. Do you cause those for a reason? What's up with that? What in God's name do you want us to do? We're just people.”
“No, it's not like that. Accidents happen sometimes. What can I say? You know, sometimes I have to go a little fire and brimstone, but only when I need to. Usually, I am a patient and forgiving deity.”
Then God leaned down to me and whispered, “When bad things happen, most of the time it's the subcontractors. And I got zero control over them. What can I say? You really can't get good help these days.
And, of course, I'd love to talk to you some more, but busy busy. Listen, my people will talk to your people and we'll have lunch some time. Chow.”
